Do I need to blame myself?

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An open letter to the friend I fell in love with,

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Two years ago, I was the girl who’s had enough of love. Two years ago, I swore I won’t fall in love again. Two years ago, I gave all the love I could give. Two years ago, I experienced the worst possible pain I thought I would feel. Then you came. And slowly, you’re making me feel things I shouldn’t feel. You’re making me love you.

Before you, I was writing about other people’s stories, now I am writing our story. A story which I hope will turn into a love story, a love story wherein two friends fell in love with each other. Before you, I was writing about my fantasies, now I am writing about our reality. The real moments that we shared that made me fall for you. Before you, I was writing about my idea of a perfect guy, now I am writing about your imperfections and the way I adore them. Before you, it’s about me, now I’m thinking about us. I’m thinking about what the future has in store for us – whether we’ll remain friends or be more than that.

Do you remember when I didn’t pick that food on the floor? I didn’t pick it up because it really smells bad and I don’t want to have that smell especially when I am with you. Do you remember when I didn’t accept that chocolate? I was spacing out due to too much “kilig” at that time. Do you remember when I didn’t talk to you for a week? I got mad because you made me feel that I am not important to you. But I remember how you stopped that ball from hitting me. I remember when you gave me that memo pad. I remember when you bought my medicine when I wasn’t feeling well. I remember how you protected me in that crowded place. I remember how you stand so close to me that our foreheads touched. I remember those little things which made me feel the butterflies in my stomach and made my heart flutter. And I am grateful because you made me smile, you made me laugh, you made me happy. You even made me cry again. You made me realize that a single heartbreak doesn’t mean I cannot fall in love again.  You made me realize that it’s okay to fall in love again. You made me realize that I am still capable of loving someone because I fell in love again, and this time, I fell in love with you.

But I know that you will always see me as a friend. I know you will never return this feeling. I know you will never love me the way I want you to. But it’s fine. I am not expecting anything. I am not expecting you to love me. I am not expecting you to choose me because if I have a choice, I will never choose someone I can’t have.

I will never choose you.

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“I want to be your person. The person you’ll never stop looking for in a crowded place. The person you’ll always look forward to see. The person you’ll always want. The person you’ll always remember.”


Wrote this a year ago but I need to start writing again sooo, I retrieved some works and will try to edit and post it here.