writings&expression

Hangga’t hindi pa ako nagsasawa sa’yo

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Nagsawa na akong lumapit

Lumapit na para lang sa huli ay layuan mo lang din

Nagsawa na akong magpapansin

Magpapansin na kahit magmukhang tanga ay itutuloy pa din

Nagsawa na akong mangarap

Mangarap na maging akin rin ang taong pinapangarap ko

Nagsawa na akong mag-isip

Mag-isip na ang mga bagay na ginagawa mo sa akin ay dahil pareho tayo ng nararamdaman

Nagsawa na akong maghintay

Maghintay na maramdaman mo kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa’yo

Nagsawa na akong umasa

Umasa na balang araw mamahalin mo rin ako gaya ng pagmamahal ko sa’yo

Nagsawa na akong mapagod at mamahinga na para lang sa huli ay itutuloy uilt ang pag-ibig na para lang sa’yo

Sana dumating ang araw, magsawa na rin akong mahalin ka

Kasi ang hirap-hirap na

Sana dumating ang araw, magsawa na rin ako sa’yo

Kasi ang sakit-sakit na

Oh kaya sana, dumating ang araw na mahalin mo rin ako

Hangga’t hindi pa ako nagsasawang mahalin ka

Hangga’t hindi pa huli ang lahat

Hangga’t andito pa din ako – lumalapit, nagpapapansin, nangangarap, nag-iisip, naghihintay, umaasa, napapagod, namamahinga, at nagmamahal sa’yo

Hangga’t hindi pa ako nagsasawa sa’yo.

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I wonder if they are

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wasted-efforts

 

Wasted efforts are the worst.Devoting your time and your soul while no one appreciates or even notices is the worst experience you will ever have. It will make you feel that you’re worthless. It will make you feel that you’re a failure. Heck, it will even make you doubt yourself-Why am I doing this? Why am I still doing this? Do I still need to do this? Are all of these worth it in the end? I wonder if they are.

A message to my sixteen-year-old self

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V5RvsSpG

You’re going to get hurt. You’re going to meet new people and they will be a part of your life. But they’re not going to stay. There will come a time that they will leave you and you will be devastated. You’re going to blame yourself for that. Their leaving will make you think that you aren’t enough, that whatever you do, you will never be enough. You will never be enough to make people stay.

But you’re going to fall in love again. This time, it’s a one-sided love but you won’t care. You’ll love him and you’ll be thankful because you thought you’ll never feel this again but because of him, you will. And you’re going to meet new friends. They aren’t that many but they’re loyal and they will stay by your side no matter what happens and that’s enough.

You’re going to commit lots of mistakes. But that’s okay. You’ll learn from those. Those mistakes will make you strong and will inspire you to do better. And from now on, you’re going to experience more hardships. But you will overcome those. You need to overcome those hardships to achieve your goal. You will endure all those hardships and carry on with your life.

And lastly, keep doing what you’re doing right now because you’re doing well.

An open letter to the friend I fell in love with,

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FotorCreated2

Two years ago, I was the girl who’s had enough of love. Two years ago, I swore I won’t fall in love again. Two years ago, I gave all the love I could give. Two years ago, I experienced the worst possible pain I thought I would feel. Then you came. And slowly, you’re making me feel things I shouldn’t feel. You’re making me love you.

Before you, I was writing about other people’s stories, now I am writing our story. A story which I hope will turn into a love story, a love story wherein two friends fell in love with each other. Before you, I was writing about my fantasies, now I am writing about our reality. The real moments that we shared that made me fall for you. Before you, I was writing about my idea of a perfect guy, now I am writing about your imperfections and the way I adore them. Before you, it’s about me, now I’m thinking about us. I’m thinking about what the future has in store for us – whether we’ll remain friends or be more than that.

Do you remember when I didn’t pick that food on the floor? I didn’t pick it up because it really smells bad and I don’t want to have that smell especially when I am with you. Do you remember when I didn’t accept that chocolate? I was spacing out due to too much “kilig” at that time. Do you remember when I didn’t talk to you for a week? I got mad because you made me feel that I am not important to you. But I remember how you stopped that ball from hitting me. I remember when you gave me that memo pad. I remember when you bought my medicine when I wasn’t feeling well. I remember how you protected me in that crowded place. I remember how you stand so close to me that our foreheads touched. I remember those little things which made me feel the butterflies in my stomach and made my heart flutter. And I am grateful because you made me smile, you made me laugh, you made me happy. You even made me cry again. You made me realize that a single heartbreak doesn’t mean I cannot fall in love again.  You made me realize that it’s okay to fall in love again. You made me realize that I am still capable of loving someone because I fell in love again, and this time, I fell in love with you.

But I know that you will always see me as a friend. I know you will never return this feeling. I know you will never love me the way I want you to. But it’s fine. I am not expecting anything. I am not expecting you to love me. I am not expecting you to choose me because if I have a choice, I will never choose someone I can’t have.

I will never choose you.